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Prepare for the 2nd Coming.

Yes its true, I am reposting my rants from Myspace to LJ. Just so everyone can read them. So shut your fucking mouths and deal with it.

I wish to be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned.

Already taken? Damn you, Jesus, Chrishna, Sakia, Thamuz, Wittoba, Iao, Hesus, Quexacote, Quirinus, Prometheus, Thulis, Indra, Alcestos, Atys, Crite, Bali, and Mithra! Fine, I'll settle for Pirate, then. Supah sweet.

If your wondering who the hell these people are, get on your lazy asses and google it.

The days of my life keep ticking away, a blur of motion. I bring up stuff that happened a month ago that people barely remember, not realizing that this is old shit. By the way, Do you want to buy a duck?
Nobody who reads this will get that. Which is only one person--- Jordan.

(Stares)
Anyways. On to more pressing matters. Christmalice is on the way, and people want to receive their pay for putting up with my lame ass all year. Guess what I'm getting your sorry asses?

Small unmarked bills.

You heard me right. Instead of having to put forth the pitiful amount of effort to get you a shitty present you'll hate, how's bout I just give you money, so you can feel like the whores you are. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!

(Points Angrily at the empty seats in the audience.)
...you know...


And with the joy and homosexual tendencies tward your fellow man, comes Santa Claus. Saint Nicolas. Satan HIMSELF.

Gaze upon him with the hate of the fallen angel might deserve. For instance: Santa. Mix up his name, It becomes Satan. Names for the devil also include: Saint Nicholas and The Man In Red. He flies around through the power 9 horned beasts. Flip 9 and corelate 9 to its perfect square, 3. What do you get? 666. The sign of the devil. How does he get around the world in one night without some sort of unholy magic power to propel him and his foul carriage? He creeps into peoples houses and consumes carbohydrates to fuel his unholy life force, sustaining the Everlasting Night. He delivers to the worthy of serving in his empire coal, the stone of FIRE. He leaves candies in the most filthy of clothing, the SOCKS. Might as well hang up your used condoms while your at it. Dressed in a thick red suit, a red face. It all just screams "I am the DARK PRINCE, BEELZEBUB,  THE TRUE FATHER OF LIES!!!1!2"

(Stares.)

...
If your just tuning in, I was just explaing how I just love BASTARDIZING your childhood icons.

Tomarrow, I might just bitchslap Rainbow Bright, or maybe Captain Crunch, the bastard who produces that sadistic cereal with the razor blades in every bite.

Goddamn Crunchberries.



I painted my turtle black. Does that make him spooky?

I was on a Gothic Forum today for the hell of it. It made me laugh. I was reading through this Christmas thread, and it turns out a lot of gothic children really enjoy Christmas. The thought of some fat goth kid running down his stairs, clad in his bondage pants, Jhonen Vasquez T-shirt, and long ass chain-y gloves leaping down the stairs on Christmas morning, screaming about how Santa Claus came and left him presents kills me. "Look, Ma! Santa left me a train set! And some razor blades!!!" "Oh, and what's this! Another skull candle! Thank you, honey!" "Your welcome, Mom! I love you!"

(Crickets)
Yeah, fuck you, too.

On the topic of Christmalice,(That's its new name, and you shall refer to it as such) Jesus hates all of you for celebrating it. It has nothing to do with ANYTHING Jesus related. December 25 isn't Jesus's birthday, you stupid fucks, and your retarded if you think it is. The Church got bored of having nothing to celebrate, and to drag a city full of people to church in the middle of the fucking winter is a pretty fucking large stunt. They would have to have a good reason to bring them all that way through the goddamn snow. "Fuck this, have you seen how deep the snow is today? We'll just pray twice as hard the next time we go to church." That's when the church got a wonderful idea. An awful idea. A wonderfully awful idea. What better reason than free shit, eh? And to keep from seeming like they were bribing the people to come to church, they throw the whole nativity bullshit in. It's the truth, straight from Jesus himself. He told me, before I blew his zombie ass back to kingdom come with a shotgun. Goddamn zombies.

(Gasps and yells)
Shut up.

He was coming right at me.

And the tree. The symbol of everything Chrismas-y. You can't tell me you see a decorated tree and not think "What the hell? What day is it? I have to get my Christmas shopping done before the holiday rush!"

Boys and girls, I have a question for you.
Are you retarded?
Not just like "Mah Mommeh dwoped meee on mii hed wene Ih wazz a baybee...", but full out bashing your skull against the keyboard because the letters on the keys looked like ants and they scared you?

(Stares)
What in the name of GOD, SATAN, ODIN, and the FLYING SPAGETTI MONSTER are you thinking by bringing 6 ft tree indoors? It seriously sounds like something a Special Ed kid wearing a helmet would do.

"We're gonna decorate a tree. For Jesus."
Guess what? Where Jesus lived, he didn't have any trees! He had cacti. And sand. And Jews. Three things that have nothing to do with snow, two of them even hate it. Your hearts in the right place, but your brain is winning the gold in the Special Olympics.

And if you think I am cynical now, just wait till February. You will pray to any God you can find to get me back into this lovely state of mind I'm in now.



The first thing I thought of before writing this was, "DikDik".

It is the human condition to fear. Men, women, children. We are all afraid. Something animal within us grinds us into submission each and every day.

Every day, while I talk to people in my travels, people have this tendancy to tell me about how they "wish" they could do this, or "wish" they could do that. My friend Rocky was fuming about how much she hated this one guy. She said she wished she could kick him in the testicles.

"So why don't you?"

"I can't."

"Of course you can. Bring the foot back, and SWING. Quite a simple procedure, had it done to me a few times."

"Thats because your a cynical bastard. Anyways, it's not a very acceptable behavior."

"That shouldn't stop you from being ABLE to do it. You should know you have the power to do something, in this case inflict pain, but be able to hold yourself back because YOU want to. You shouldn't not do things because of the way people will react. You have great power, and you also have enough sense to realize you have to use that power responsibly. But giving credit to society for your own efforts is rediculous."

"What? I was in my own little world there for a minute."

"Don't worry about it. Your hair looks nice."

Mind you some words were deleted for the sake of time. Particularly the entire last line of the dialogue. Full of anger and colorful language.

Back to the point. The moral of this story is, do not fear the eye of society, fear and respect the power you posses. You all have the power to bring a new day unto the world, yet at the same time, you can bring utter destruction to the universe.

Wait. I'm usually an evil son of a bitch when I write, huh?

You're all worthless bastards who will accomplish nothing in life. You know why?

Baah bahh baaaah.

(Stares)
Oh, I figured you would understand SHEEP.

(Stares)
You bastards.

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jamesarlentine
James Arlentine

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